This is a fictitious essay on ancient history based on genuine student bloopers and other funny English errors. Although the essay is fictitious, the bloopers are real; I have merely woven them into an essay structure.
History largely consists of the shifting of evidence. History is divided into ages — for example, the Stone Age, the Bronze Age, Middle Age, Old Age, and Sausage. Ancient history gripes me intensely.
The ancient Saus-Age
In Athens, everything they did was done in public. They had public entertainments such as the public baths. They wore scandals on their feet. There were temples, including a temple called the Pancreas. The Temple of Zeus was built of pillars that bulge out. This is called the Ironic style. A temple called the Panacea was dedicated to all the gods.
Meanwhile, in Sparta, they had to endure great pain. If they were put to death, they should never show it. In Sparta, all boys who were not able to walk were killed when born. Others were beaten to death sometimes to see if they could stand it.
Still, I would rather have lived in Sparta than Athens because the Spartans had more peace of mind than the Athenians; the Spartans were slow to think and move while the Athenians could fully comprehend the situation. (Peace means when you have got a bit of cake or pudding.)
A famous Greek is Alexander the Great, who had Aristotle for a tooter. Against the odds, Alexander defeated the Persians who outnumbered the Greeks because they had more men. Alexander was smart, once entering Troy disguised as a wooden horse.
A famous Roman is Julius Caesar. 13 July was Caesar’s bathday. Caesar, being completely bald, liked best of all privileges the present of a wreath, which he wore to cover up his top, as he found hair tonics unavailable, because they were invented centuries later. Rome had a fine defensive position, being seven miles from the mouth of the Tiger.
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. He was strongly warned to beware of the Ideas of March. By this time, the cat had leaked out of the bag. As Caesar was dying, he looked up and said, "You two brutes!" You can learn many lessons from Caesar. He made a speech from his golden chair and when he had finished, his friends killed him.
Two sports of ancient Rome were Antony and Cleopatra. Cleopatra died because she was bit by a wasp. I would like to have known Mark Antony because he must have had a very weak will and must have been a love-making man. He would have spoken Latin, a dead language, which is one only spoken by spirits.
Ancient Rome is known for its gladiola fights and for burning insects before the Emperor's statue. The Romans would breathlessly watch the fight of the gladiolas in the arena. The Emperor would eat as he watched, reclining on one elbow and eating with the other. Romans may have used the artichoke as an ancient instrument of torture. Romans watched their gladiators carefully because they can be dangerous: gladiators can give out a great deal of heat.
Few people know that a long time ago England was once a foreign country. In the Augustan era, Augustus prepared to invade England; the Augustan era was a mistake of Augustus. The Romans came again 100 years after their first visit, 90 years before. Sanitation back then was so bad that pigs walked about the streets just as people do nowadays.
I’ve read the genial orgy of the Julia-Claud family. The less said about Nero, the better.