This is a fictitious essay on the animal world according to genuine student bloopers. Although the essay is fictitious, the student bloopers are real; I have merely woven them into a coherent story.


Eskimos love their reindeer sometimes more than their wives. But then, they are very useful to them.

If you want to understand animals, you should think of the Eskimos. They are very fond, indeed, of reindeer. In fact, they love their reindeer sometimes more than their wives. But then, they are very useful to them. Other fur-bearing animals are the baboon, raccoon, and buffoon. Most of these have reprehensible tails.

Another very useful animal is the cow. The cow has a pulse as well as anyone else, but you can't feel it in its wrist. No part of a cow is wasted; even the skin is used to put on the top of hot milk. Skim milk comes from a young cow in the summer and condensed milk from an old cow in winter. A good milk cow can be told by her rudder. To keep the milk from turning sour, you should keep it in the cow.

A young cow is called a calf and gives us jelly. A calf has to wait a long time before he is milked. A cattle is a shaggy kind of cow. A young cow is sometimes called an ox. When there are two oxes, it’s called oxygen. A cross between an ox and a parrot is called a paradox. A polygon is a dead parrot. A sort of big parrot that has been taught to swear is called a caucus.


Most bulls are harmless, but cows stare terribly

A male cow is called an Irish bull. Most bulls are harmless, but cows stare terribly. An example of good animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. One of the byproducts of cattle-raising is calves.

Cows and horses are the same animals. Cows are ladies and horses are gentlemen. The hoof in the horse developed as the hand became the leg. Horse power is the distance a horse can carry a man for an hour. The horse is a sure-footed animal, which is an animal that when it kicks it does not miss. My teacher Miss Morrison was injured by a fall from a horse last week, and is in St Joseph's hospital, but she’s covered sufficiently to see her friends.


Horses don't like beer

Horse-racing is not so dangerous as motor-racing, because horses wear shoes that don’t burst like tyres. A jockey is the horse's chauffeur, but he has to be weighed because the horse hasn't as strong a back as the motorcar. If a horse wins a race, the jockey gets a lot of money and can have a good time, but the horse gets nothing. This seems unfair. But horses don't like beer.

The horse you bet on is called a cert. If it loses, it's called a dead cert. Always remember, a horse divided against itself cannot stand. Horse manoeuvre is what they put on grass. We have manoeuvre on our lawn.

By self-pollination, a farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. A sheep is mutton covered with wool. The plural of sheep is shepherd; the feminine of sheep is you. Whereas, a female goat is a buttress. In spring, lambs and baby goats gamble with their mothers in the fields.

African animals include the carafe, a skinny necked animal. It has a long neck so it can look around and see when things are coming and warn the other animals. The African elephant is a square animal with a tail in front and behind. The African lion is a very vivacious animal. Another thing I know about African animals is you should always say hippopotami when there are more than one hippopotamuses.


When an ostrich sticks his head in the sand when he thinks someone is coming, this is called ostracise

Also living in Africa are hostages, big birds with four legs and a long neck. The kick from an ostrich has several times proved quite fatal to a man, and incidents have been recorded where men have actually died as a result of a kick. Despite this, in Austria, the principal occupation is gathering Austrich feathers. When an ostrich sticks his head in the sand when he thinks someone is coming, this is called ostracise.

Four animals belonging to the cat family are the father cat, the mother cat, and two kittens. And adage is a thing to keeps cats in. It is pain to a cat to tread on its paw, and it swears, but in a different manner to what we do. Persian cats is the chief industry of Persia, hence the word "purr". A cat with eight sides is called an octopus. A cat that catches rats is called a cataract.

The chief enemies of the cat are dogs and birds. It is true that birds quarrel and usually the female bird as in human life comes out the winner. A skyscraper is a bird of the same family as the skylark. An eavesdropper is another a kind of bird, as well as a ladybird. The masculine of ladybird sounds as if it ought to be gentlemanbird, but that looks funny. Guano is the product of manurous birds. The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now. The mammoth is another indistinct animal.


Ganders just eat and loaf around and go swimming

Geese is a low heavy bird which is mostly meat and feathers. Geese can't sing much on account of the dampness of the water. He ain't got no between-his-toes and he's got a little balloon in his stummick to keep him from sinking. Some geese when they are big have curls on their tails and are called ganders. Ganders don't have to sit and hatch, but just eat and loaf around and go swimming. If I were a goose, I'd rather be a gander.

The fowl, indeed, is a very clever animal. It lays eggs because we like them. When we don't like them they turn into chickens. If you put some eggs under the hen you will get young ones in three weeks time. We cannot keep doing that with the rooster because he will not sit. People rear chickens in an accumulator. A goblet is a male turkey. A young swan is called a singlet. The inside of a duck is called a blizzard.

Of course we know that muzzled dogs feel uncomfortable but we cannot please everybody. If you cannot give a dog a good home, give it a painless death. A dog will never forget what you do for them. For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

Yesterday, we caught a snake, and we wanted to keep him, but my father said to kill him. We knew it was no use arguing with father, so we took him out back of the barn, held him down with a forked stick, and skinned him. Snake venom is not always poison and that of many poisonous snakes can be swallowed without ham. Ham comes from a pig, so-called because of its uncleanly habits.

Some insects have scales on their wings, for instance, a fish. A grasshopper has three pair of wings—anterior, posterior, and bacteria. Any animal with its spinal column on the outside is called an extrovert. An insect with a hundred legs is a centimetre, sometimes also called an antelope.


Moths don't grow as big as butterflies because they eat only holes

Some insects are born from a crisis. A crisis is a thing which hangs up in the winter and comes down in the summer as a butterfly. Moths can't grow as big as butterflies because they only eat holes. A female moth is called a myth. The plural of fly is flea. A fly’s baby is a magnet, which you sometimes find in a bad apple. Keeping all your food under cover is the first step toward ridding your house of pests such as flies and aunts.

When lions, goats, virgins, and all other animals die, they go to the zodiac, the Zoo of the sky.