This is a fictitious essay on English grammar and literature based on genuine student bloopers. Although the essay is fictitious, the bloopers are real. I have merely woven the bloopers into the structure of an essay.

The first part of English I would like to analize is the alphabet. A, e, i, o, u are the bowels; while a consonant is a large piece of land surrounded by water. The writing in ancient days was hydraulics, but today we use words and sentences.

A sentence is a word put into thoughts. All sentences are either simple or confound. Whichever it is, every sentence must begin with a caterpillar.

Active voice

The active voice is the voice of a person when he is quarrelling

An inverted sentence is a sentence that makes sense either way. A sentence may be in the active voice or the passive voice. The active voice is the voice of a person when he is quarrelling.

The passive voice switches the order of the sentence’s subject and object. An example: instead of “John shot my dog”, the passive voice is “My dog shot John”. A sentence includes all the parts of speech, namely the lungs and air.


Examples of collective nouns: an umbrella and a flock of cattle

Nouns may sometimes be abstract nouns. An abstract noun is the name of something that has no existence, such as goodness. Nouns can also be collective. A collective noun is a noun that covers everything, such as clothing, umbrella, bandstand, etc. A flock of cattle is another example of a collective noun.

Nouns may be plural or singular. For example, the plural of “fly” is “flea”; the plural of “monocle” is “binnacle”; the plural of “ox” is “oxygen”; and the plural of “spouse” is “spice”. “Trousers” is an example of an uncommon noun because it is singular on top and plural at the bottom.


“Trousers” is an example of an uncommon noun because it is singular on top and plural at the bottom

Nouns may be feminine or masculine. For example, the feminine for “Czar” is “sardine”. The feminine of "hero" is "shero". The feminine of “manager” is “menagerie”. Conversely, the masculine of “dam” is “dash”. The masculine of “vixen” is “vicar”. And the masculine of “Duchess” is “duck”.

A relative pronoun is a family pronoun, such as “mother”, “brother”, “aunt”. Finally, a Proper Noun is the name we give to a thing which is ours or which we intend is going to be ours when it is not.


A selection of verbs

You can form verbs from nouns. For example, the verb form of “suspicion” is “I suspish”. A verb is something to eat.

An active verb shows action, as in “he kissed her”. But a passive verb shows passion, as in “she kissed him”, or is one in which the subject is the sufferer, such as “He married her”. A plural verb is used when we do two things at once.

Verbs can have tenses. For example, the future tense of “He drinks” is “He is drunk”. The future tense of “I give” is “You take”. And, as I told my teacher, “You are beautiful” is in the past tense. The imperfect tense is used in France to express a future action in past time which does not take place at all.


The famous proverb: "One swallow does not make a good meal". A lesser-known variation is: "One swallow does not a summer make".

Another kind of verb is the pro-verb. Famous pro-verbs include: “One swallow doesn't make... a good meal”; “Where there's a will there's... a dead man”; and “You cannot make a rasher of bacon out of a sow's ear”.

Adverbs describe verbs. Adverbs should always be used as adjectives and adjectives as adverbs. An example of an adverb is “The horses ran fastly!”

Imperative mood

An example of the imperative mood: "Come up and see me some time!"

An interjection is the first word we use when we are frightened or annoyed. Wicked people often use them unnecessarily. Put another way, an interjection is a sudden explosion of mind. They may be used to convey the imperative mood. An example of the imperative mood is “Come up and see me some time!”

Often, sentences include conjunctions. An example of a conjunction is the place where two railway lines meet. Another example: in the sentence, “I saw the goat butt the man”, the word “butt” is a conjunction, because it shows the connection between the goat and the man. In other words, a conjunction connects two things — for example, “I tied the cow with a rope to a tree”.

Good writing has good spelling and grammer. A dictionery would solve many people’s spelling problems. The writer of the first Dictionary was Samuel Johnson, who was known as the Doctor of Difinity.

A tautology is expressing a thing as it is expressed in a newspaper. The four characteristics of newspaper style are: 1. Tell everything straight and simple. 2. Don't try to complicate matters. It should only be simple and plain so everyone can understand. 3. Make everything plain and simple and exact. Bring things right to the point. 4. Be plain and simple so everyone can understand.


Poetry often contains metaphors, similes, and other littery devices

Newspaper style is an example of writing pros. You have pros on the one hand, and poets on the other. Poems may be delivered in writing or vice-versa.

Poetry often contains metaphors and similes and other littery devices. A metaphor is a kind of signalling used chiefly for long distances. A simile is a widening of the face when pleased. Another common figure of speech is the facsimile. Alliteration is making all the words in a poem begin with the same letter, such as "Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen". While a spoonerism is a love affair.


A spoonerism is a love affair

Figurative language is when you mean a rooster and say chandelier. For example, “The shades of night were falling fast" means that people were pulling down their blinds. "This was the unkindest cut of all" means the way in which the sword was plucked out took some of the skin with it. And "Who steals my purse steals trash" means that the person who robs me is asking for trouble. When Chaucer describes the Prioress as “amiable of port”, he means that she was fond of wine.


When Chaucer describes the Prioress as “amiable of port”, he means that she was fond of wine

In the old days, there were morality plays. A morality play is a play in which the characters are goblins, ghosts, virgins, and other supernatural creatures. While a pathetic fallacy is the mistake an author makes when he writes a poem.

A famous poet and novelist is George Idiot, who wrote Silas Marner. His style is crisp and rancid. Anonymous is a noted Greek poet. But John Milton was England's greatest epidemic. There are a few well-known Scotch poets alive today, but none of them write free verse. As for Keats, I don’t know anything. I don’t even know what they are.

A pullet surprise is given in America every year for the best written compositions. A composition is the art of bringing loose ideas into a complication. They can be divided in fiction — those books which are fixed on the shelves and are not to be moved; and non-fiction — those books that are not fixed and may be moved at will. My favourite fiction novel is Oliver Twist because people saw the workhouses in a different limelight. It contains everything a good novel should have, such as characters.

You may win a pullet surprise for poems and verses but mostly the prize is awarded for literature. This includes autobiographies. An autobiography is the life of an animal written after it is dead as a moral.