This is a fictitious essay on geography, with particular emphasis on Australia, according to genuine student bloopers, collected over several decades.

The shape of the earth is an obverse spherometer that turns on its own abscess. The tilt causes the two seasons of the year, football and cricket. The earth is divided by earthquakes. There are two hemispheres because a hemisphere is half a sphere; but I don’t live in a hemisphere — I live in an apartment house.


The sun sets in the west and hurries round to the east to be in time to rise next morning

The winds are dejected because of the rotation of the earth's crust. The sun sets in the west and hurries round to the east to be in time to rise next morning. A ship going east will get a day ahead of the sun because by the time it gets to a certain line the crew will see two sunsets where they should see only one. When the sun’s rays cross each other, x-rays are produced. But the moon is more important than the sun because the moon shines at night when you need the light.


The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon

The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends towards the moon because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. Grabitation at the earth keeps the water rising all the way to the moon. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A lunar eclipse occurs when the sun passes between the Earth and the moon. Astronomers say it is very spectacular. Eclipses are of three kinds: an annular eclipse comes once a year, a partial eclipse goes on part of the time only, and a total eclipse lasts forever.


If it is noon and the sun is straight above you, you are north

A compass always points to the sun. If it is noon and the sun is straight above you, you are north. To find the points of a compass, place a boy with his back to the sun. His head shall be pointing to the north and his feet to the south. A special kind of compass, the mariner's compass, is a little post stuck up in the sea, and when people want to know the way, the ships go and look at it.

Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun. When the climate is humorous, it is very damp. The earth’s climate is hottest next to the creator. This is not to be confused with the equator, which is a menagerie lion running around the centre of the earth, or a difficult thing in algebra. An equinox, which is a half-horse and half-ox, occurs when the equator comes in direct contact with the sun.

On a map, latitude tells you how hot you are while longitude tells you how cold you are. The Arctic regions are neither hot nor cold. They abound in birds of beautiful plumage and of no song, such as the elephant and the camel.


Australia is the world’s smallest consonant

Australia is the world’s smallest consonant. It is also an island, which is a portion of land entirely surrounded by water except in the middle. This is curious given it belongs to Oceania, which means a continent that contains no land. Australia stands on the Specific Sideboard. The Great Australian Bight is a big bight taken out of Australia about the size of a piece of chalk.

Captain Cook discovered Australia when he made several navel expeditions to explore the lower regions. He cursed around the Pacific three times. He was, however, killed during the first of these voyages.


There is a great deal of nothing in the centre of Australia

There is a great deal of nothing in the centre of Australia. This part of the world is inhabited solely because it is there. The climate of some parts is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere; even the towns there are not inhabited. In the centre of the dessert, there is very little clubbable land. It is all dust, which is mud with the juice squeezed out. It is so dry there that they use artisans, which are bores that make wells. Sometimes, you will see a futile oasis, a sea-monster with long tenacles that crawls around on the bottom of the sea.

In Australia, the grass knows it is a dry climate and so stores up water and is very juicy. Certain areas are cultivated by irritation. Some areas are prone to storms, flooding, and cyclings (the equivalent of our torpedoes). During electric storms, as each particle of water vapour is carried up, it takes with it a tiny electrician. Floods may be prevented by putting big dames in the rivers.

Australia’s great river is the Murray River; at the bottom of the river is South Australia. The reason rivers flow is because no-one can stop them. The bottom of the river is composed of clay and fine sentiments. The main feeders of the Murray are crocodiles.

gum trees

Australia has forests, some of which are carnivorous

In the temperate coastal zones, Australia has forests, some of which are carnivorous. The Temperate Zone is the region where no one drinks as much. If it were not for the fish in the lakes the water would overflow and destroy the forests, for the fish drink a great deal of water.

The two main types of trees are evergreen and assiduous. The opposite of evergreen is nevergreen. Trees are further divided according to their height. Trees about 20 feet or more high are trees. Those about 4 or 5 feet tall are called herbs. The small creeping plants with soft stems are called shrubs. When shrubs and herbs grow where they should not they are called weeds. To conserve the forests, the government is making the trees waterproof and fireproof. In Australia, wildlife thrives to some extent but not to a certain degree. This shows that germination requires dry moisture as well as wet moisture.

Australia sends to England wine made from a bird called the Emu. Emu is the noise made by a cat. A marsupial, such as an apostle, is an animal with a pouch in its stomach into which it retires when hard pressed. In spring, baby kangaroos can be seen gambling in the fields. Australia has many crocodiles but no hypotenuses roaming about. They have lots of snakes but no monsoons, an animal which eats snakes. In Tasmania, wild beasts used once to roam at will; but now these wild beasts are only found in theological gardens.


A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes

Australia’s most substantial mountain range is the Great Dividing Range. You can often see the mountains touring among the clouds. A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes. Australia doesn’t have any active volcanoes, which are just ordinary mountains except that they omit palaver frequently. Australia also has a big reef, which is what you put on coffins.

Australia excavates coal, a substance that comes from decayed vegetarians. Excavate means to hollow out — for example, "our baby excavates when he gets hurt". A vegetarian is an old soldier. In Australia, they manufacture iron and steal. Iron is grown in large quantities for manufacturing purposes. Iron was discovered when someone smelt it. Organised iron is used for roofing sheds. Tin is used for tin sheds. Tin is obtained by smelting down old tins. A mixture of copper and nickel is Copernicus.

Australians themselves are very queer. Some of their laws are so rigid, and some are very laxative.