This is a fictitious essay on government and politics pieced together from genuine student bloopers and other funny English errors.
Today, the state of political affairs is enough to make a man commit suicide or perish in the attempt.
The government of Australia is a constitutional monkey. The head of the government is the Prime Mixture. His wife is known as the Primate. The government of England is a limited mockery. The monarch rules over all the Untied Kingdom. A constitutional monarchy is one in which the monarch never becomes ill. The United States in a republic headed by a precedent. A republic is a place where nobody can do anything in private.
These are all democracies (literally, "governments ruled by demons"), while other countries have dictators, who are men who couldn’t rule in any other circumstances. A dictator to us is the other version of somebody else’s hero. Sometimes, dictators are propelled from office by a "coup de grâce", a type of lawn mower. Often, dictators are facetious, like Mussolini. Mussolini is a sort of material used for ladies' stockings.
In Russia, government is run by the Kremlin, a place where people go to be cremated. Most parliaments are by camel. Representatives make the laws and the Senators talk them over. A Senator is half-horse and half-man. In Australia, the seats of Senators are vaccinated every 3 or 6 years, depending on whether there’s been a double disillusion. The English Parliament is also made up of two houses, the House of Commons and the House of the Lord. Both are places where cricket is played. In America, you have the Congress, which since "pro" is the opposite of "con", is the opposite of progress.
All governments have politicians. A politician is a man who stands because he wants to sit and is expected to lie. A lie is an aversion to the truth. Some enter Parliament and sit there for years. Any respectable person is illegible to become a politician.
You can extinguish a politician by their clothes. By their clothes, they seem people of great posterity. We have a two-party cistern. Tories or Conservatives, which are a kind of greenhouse where you look at the moon. Or another name for Tories is Preservatives. While the Socialists are men who go to parties all the time. An Independent candidate is a man who cannot get into any party. A Pacifist is a person who has been over the Pacific Ocean.
When countrymen on one side fight countrymen on the other it is called a civil war or, more commonly, a general election. In the United States, the first person past the post office wins. Some countries have proportional representation, a system of voting always favoured by those who can’t get in otherwise.
Democracies usually have governments under a Constitution, a large group of stars. The Constitution of the United States was so adapted to secure domestic hostility. The executive power of the United States government is vested in the electric chair. One of the rights people enjoy under the United States Constitution is the right to keep bare arms.
In Parliament, all members are allowed to say whatever they like. There are those who propose and those who repose. Then the Speaker takes the eyes and the nose. To the left of the Speaker sit the opposition, to the right are the Cabinet-makers. Members of the Cabinet have the title "The Right On". The results of the debates often do not come up to expectorations. They ask a lot of rhetorical questions — a question for which there is no answer. An example: "What has the Prime Minister been doing all these years?" A Parliamentary Whip is a fighter in Parliament. He is a man on one side who goes round and bribes or asks members to vote on his side.
An important concept is the separation of powers by which the law-making, law-enforcing, and law-breaking powers are separated. Courts of Law are the chief places where they dispense with justice. One court of law in England is the Court of Chancery, so called because it takes care of property when there is no chance of the owner turning up. Criminals have the right to a jury, a body of men organised to find out which has the smartest lawyer. The law allows every man to be tried with twelve piers. One argument for the abolition of the jury system is that it costs too much to buy chairs and to hire a room for them.
Another important legal principal is the "double jeopardy rule", which provides that a man cannot be punished twice for the same offence — so if a man steals a pig and is put in prison for it, when he comes out he can steal another pig and not be punished.
Governments squeeze every scent possible from the workers. The treasurer usually has a head for sadistics. He passes a budgie, which is what the government does to get some more money when it has spent it. As I understand it, it cannot be understood. They make money with the Royal Mint, which is what the monarch puts on their roast lamb. Cattle and pigs are bought and sold on the stock exchange. They sometimes call a summit when there is summit the matter, like when a slackness of demand creates a great slut on the market, or when there is a deficit — which is what you've got when you haven't as much as you had when you had nothing. A deficit sometimes happens when you have more imports than exports. Exports are things found on the land; imports are things found in the water. The deficit is paid by a yearly tax called income.