This is a fictitious essay about the human body based on real-life, genuine student bloopers. I have merely woven the bloopers into a coherent story — well, as coherent as possible.
Anatomy is the study of heavenly bodies. Human beings are divided into five great races — the 100-metres, the 5,000-metres, the 10,000-metres, the marathon, and the hurdles. Air is the most important element to the human body. Without it, I would not be writing this essay now; and we wouldn’t have pneumatic tires, which would be a sad loss. Air is made mainly of nitrogen and oxygen; if there was no nitrogen in the air, we should all die of fits of laughter. If the air contains more than 100% carbolic acid, it is very injurious to health.
The parts of the respiratory system are the skin, ducks under the arms, and soles of the feet. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. Oxygen is carried by the blood by means of tubs to the heart and there detained. Thus, a blood vessel is a man's lifeboat. Blood consists of 2 sorts of corkscrews — red corkscrews and white corkscrews. It flows down one leg and up the other and is putrefied in the lungs by inspired air. Anaemia is not having enough blood. But you have enough to bleed as much as anyone else if you cut your finger. Artillery bleeding is very serious.
Nerves go to the lungs. Almost everything goes to the lungs except when you tickle a person's feet. I don't know where that goes. If I stand on my head, the blood rushes into it; but when I stand on my feet, the blood doesn't rush into them because my feet aren't empty. In the case of a man bleeding from a wound in the head, put a tourniquet around his neck. For a nose bleed, put the nose lower than the body.
All I know about the heart is that it is a rubber pump situated under the left armpit shaped like a Valentine. And there are two oracles in the heart — a right oracle and a left oracle; and a left tentacle and a right tentacle. This is not to be confused with the aorta, which is a man who makes very long speeches.
Food passes from your mouth through the asparagus to the stomach. Food is then digested by the lungs. The stomach is a growing room. It grows big as a man grows bigger. When it is very big, it is called a belly. You become an adult when you stop growing at both ends but not in the middle. The food passes from your windpipe to your pores, and passes off your body by evaporation. Humans have pores, while mold has spores; it’s one of the ways to tell us apart. If you matriculate properly you can be sure of a good digestion when you get older — unlike my father, who was confined to bed because of indiscretion. He had audacity of the stomach and not even laxity would cure his constipation.
My father also had diabetes and had to be insulated twice a week. In winter, when it is very cold, he had to wear scarves and woollen things and muffins. Many old people die in winter, and many birds also go to a warmer climate. My father had a false eye, but he could see through it; it’s made out of glass. Lying down all the time was no good for his lungs; it made him phlegmatic. Although he had never been fatally ill before, one morning my father woke up dead. His death was due to a decease. Doctors say fatal deceases are the worst.
When people do not wish their diseased relatives to be buried, they send them to a mortuary to have their remains mortgaged. But the doctor sent my father to a post-mortem, the manager of the post office. My mother looks after me now. Every morning, she waves her arms to stretch her abominable muscles. She’s been in bed 13 years with one doctor and intends to try another. She’s thinking of seeing a drastic surgeon.
If you are sick, a physician should be insulted. A lack of vitamins will give rise to crickets. A lack of vitamin A is not as bad as lack of vitamin B, which in turn will not have so many bad effects as will the lack of vitamin C, and so on down the alphabet.
One day, I could not go to school because I had an affectionate disease. I had nausea, named after an island in the Aegean Sea. I was suffering so badly from dilemma I became dangerously hilarious. I got melancholic, I think because I ate too many melons. The doctor took my temperature with a cynical interpreter. There are two kinds: Mr Far and high for the Fahrenheit, and Mr Centigrade for the Centigrade. They are used by doctors in detesting fevers.
The doctor looked at my eyes; he said he was a special kind of doctor, an optimist, whereas a pessimist is a man who looks after your feet. Maybe he was looking for catapults in my eyes. He reckoned I had appendicitis caused by information in the appendix. I was worried I had stradivarius. I had to have my appendix inscribed but he said not to worry because I would be put to sleep by Anastasia. I think she was a nurse. To be a good nurse you must be absolutely sterile. She used an epidemic to put medicine in my arm.
There are four symptoms of a cold, two I forget and the other two are well-known. To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray your nose until it drops into your throat. Germs are sort of small insecks that swim in you when they can get in. Some are called measles but you can't see them. To see them, you need a microbescope, which is used to see things that are smaller than a naked eye. Other diseases may be prevented by fascination. For example, so as not to get malaria when people go abroad wise people get intoxicated before they leave.
I once broke my leg with a compound fraction after falling in a race. If you run too much when you are young, you may get very close veins. I had to carry my leg around in a casket for 6 weeks. For fractures, to see if the limb is broken, just wiggle it gently back and forth.
Humans belong to the order of mammals known as the pirates. A mammal is just like a duck, only a little more round. As mammals, we have the distinguishing character of having memory glands. Some ladies are flat-chested; the opposite is being hump-backed.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on top and you sit on the bottom. The bones run up and down your back and keep you from being legs clean up to your neck. The fibula runs from the knee to the elbow on the inside. We should not eat too much bone-making food, because if we do we shall have too many bones, and that would make us look funny.
The cerebrum is a cavity in the head. A chronic disease is something the matter with the chrone. The brain is a soft bunch covered with wrinkles that gives us our senses. We have different kinds of senses, common-sense and nonsense; asleep, awake, conscious, unconscious, and dead. The head also contains the teeth; if you ever have a toothache, take a mouthful of cold water and sit on the stove till it boils. The best way to preserve teeth is to put them in water overnight.
The human body is covered with mussels, some of which we can move, and others we can't. We're an animal split half way up that walks on the split end. The four methods of locomotion for humans are backward, forward, sideways, and up and down. When a bad smell is smelled the smell acts on the legs and the muscles force the legs to hurry away quickly. Ambidextrous is when you are able to use both hands as if they were your feet.
The less said about the reproductive organs, the better.