This is a fictitious essay about science according to genuine student bloopers. Although the essay is fictitious, the student bloopers are real; I have merely woven them into a coherent story.

Before the age of science, men took everything for granite. The Natural Sciences are byosophy, histeria, geomaphy, cystonemy, asstonemy, cemetary, and two others.

Science requires a lot of concentration. Concentration means putting all your brains in one spot and not allowing them to stray to things that look very nice. The scientific name for this is ignition, the art of not noticing. In this way, the scientist keeps his mind absolutely blank to argument. Thus, scientists are cynical — they have a circular or oval cross-section. They are usually also sophisticated. Sophistication is knowing more than people think you know.

Concentration is different from focus. A focus is a thing like a mushroom, but if you eat it you will feel differently from eating a mushroom, because focuses are poison. It’s similar to eating too many melons, which will get you melancholic. If you are poisoned, administer an antidote. An antidote is a funny story that you have heard before. But be careful you are not allergic to the antidote. Allergic means averse to, such as averse to work, love, or even living. 

There are two types of sciences, experimental and non-experimental. An example of an experimental science is cloning. Cloning is controversial as it splits scientists. A non-experimental science is one that can't be experimented with. An example of this is the atomic bomb. The Hydrogen Bomb is often called the Itch Bomb. I don’t know why.

Some experiments have a most injurious effect on the human system. Those experiments should only be performed, therefore, by a teacher. Experiments often involve test tubes, the diameters of which are measured by caterpillars. For example, to collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When sulphur and water are mixed, the little partridges come to the top. A similar process occurs when zinc reacts with hydrochloric acid — it gives off an "F of essence". Or to fill an apparatus with acidulated water, turn on the taps and acidulate. Or you can make sodium carbonate from sodium bicarbonate by taking “bi” away.

The earth holds on to everything with its grabity. Also confusingly called gravity, gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Gravity tells us why an apple does not go to heaven. Otherwise, it is a law holding things up, but nowadays we use elastic. If there was no gravity, aeroplanes and spaceships would not have been invented, and we wouldn’t have Argonauts. All ball games owe much to the law, which says that when a ball is sent up it is brought to earth by gratitude. The Industrial Revolution turned the centre of gravity completely round from east to west. A similar law, the Law of Gravetation, demands that the grass in every town churchyard shall be cut once every year. Another kind of gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.

Inertia is that which tends to have a uniform motion in a state of rest. Basically, inertia is when you go on after you stop and when you stop after you start. It’s the state of being a breast. The first law of friction is that when two surfaces are at rest it is more difficult to start them in motion than when they are already in motion. A surface is the very top you cannot see. The Indians many years ago discovered a way to make fire by means of fiction. Heat is a feeling that cooks our food. It is transmitted by conviction. For example, heat in our school is transmitted by hot currants. The oil-fired furnace is perhaps the best of all as it requires no stroking.

Heat expands: in the summer, the days are long; cold contracts: in the winter, the days are short. If you have too much heat, you need an insulator, a person who insults another person. Too much heat causes fire. When entering a burning room full of heat and smoke, put a soiled handkerchief in your nose and mouth. When the fire is out, it’s called a dead heat. A thermometer is a short glass tube that regulates the heat. A thermometer is for measuring how much water there is in milk, while a hydrometer is for measuring how much milk there is in water.

Matter exists in three states: Texas, Louisiana, and Arkansas. Particles of matter are held together by the force of coercion. I can't exactly explain what a vacuum is, but I have it in my head. The difference between a thing’s "mass" and "weight" is that mass is the thing. Weight is the same thing but not exactly quite the same thing. They really mean the same thing. Atomic weights are used for weighing atoms. Density is a thing compared to a block of water of the same dimensions. Specific gravity is the same thing but not exactly like it. The density of the water in the Dead Sea means a person does not drown. In other cases, a body will float in water after it has been in the water three days. Density is affected by salt. Salt is the stuff which makes potatoes taste nasty if you boil them in water without it.

Water is melted steam. The process of turning steam into water again is called conversation. Water may be made hard by freezing, and the hardness removed by boiling it. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water. The chemical formula for water is H I J K L M N O. Sea water has the formula CH20. CO2 is used for keeping people from dyeing and for distinguishing fires. The O2 stands for oxygen, which is anything with eight sides. Oxygen can be prepared by heating potassium chocolate. Oxygen, hydrogen, and a little carbon is the best food for babies. While the best thing carbon monoxide is good for is running away from.

Nitrates contain an oxygen molecule. A molecule is a girlish boy. There are two autumns in the molecule. Nitrates are cheaper than day rates. The other thing I know is nitric acid burns yellow holes in your clothes.

Famous scientists include Thomas Edison, to name a few. And Benjamin Franklin, who was also an inventor. He died in 1790 and is still dead. Inventors make all the money. Take cleaners. I am sure Mr Vacuum has cleared millions. John Hargreaves invented an improved machine for spinning cotton threads. He called this a jenny in honour of his wife. Crompton also invented a similar machine. He called it a mule.

Charles Darwin was a natulist who invented the Organ of the Spices. His theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think. But Darwin tried in vain and was successful. He made the theory of evolution and went through all the stages to prove it. His theory is the life process by which an organist produces others of its kind. It explains heresy, which is where a child looks like his father.

If a theory becomes universally accepted, it becomes an axiom. An axiom is a thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it. It is a true statement that is taken to be right but it may be wrong and then we prove it is right. Those who do not accept axioms are said to be hereditary. Heredity means if your grandfather didn’t have any children, then your father probably wouldn’t have had any, and neither would you, probably.

Other sciences include psychology. Psychology is the science of diseases that don’t really exist. While philosophy is the science of accepting what no sensible man can understand. George Hegel was a philosopher who had lots of ideas. One of these was that he didn't have any ideas but that these had him. He thought so because he thought that these ideas came of themselves, without his having to do anything about them. I have lots of ideas too, but I have had to work for mine, so I don't think too much of Hegel.