This is a fictitious essay based on genuine student bloopers. Although the essay is fictitious, the bloopers are real. I have merely woven the genuine bloopers into a structure that resembles an essay.

I like sport because sport cultivates corporation. But too much indulgence in sports gives us barrackers veins. Even watching sport can be exhorting. If you have heard of the four seasons, you will know that the four seasons are football, cricket, horseracing, and supercars. Personally, I barrack most for the English cricket team, especially in the Ashes. For those that don’t know, the Ashes are a special symbol held by the English cricket team until Australia takes hold of them. In Australia, the light is better and they like to be different. If they weren’t different, we would win more often. I like cricket because it is a very comfortable game; in it, we disremember our condition. I might one day become a critic, which is a man who writes about cricket. Or I might become a cricket empire or a refugee.

In the late 1970s, Kerry Packer, a media magnet, attracted players from all over the world to play cricket. These included players from the West Indies, including from the Pyjamas. Some of the West Indian Islands are subject to torpedoes. When you played against the West Indies in the 70s, you needed to have all your fatalities about you. The English cricket team always fought pluckily against them but they were always overpowdered. The West Indians were far more athletic. Athletic means "strong" — for example, the vinegar we had at dinner today was athletic.

When a lot of runs are scored against you, it is called a pylon. In the field, some of England's players are unamiable — they couldn’t aim straight. The most famous cricketer is Don Bradman. He is to cricket what Al Fresco is to baseball. Even though he was a great batsman, even he did not seem comfortable for the first few minuets of an innings.

Other cricket-playing nations are India and Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka is joined to India by a chain of coral wreaths. I don’t know much else about these countries except that the capital of Sri Lanka is Lipton.

There are 10 ways to get out in cricket. For example, you can get out for L.B.W., which stands for Lemon Barley Water. Or you can get C.O.D. — Caught Out for a Duck.

Another sport I like is soccer or football. I barrack for Arsenal, named after a kind of poison. I am often among the many spectres who watch football. In the last game I saw, the ground was wet and all the players were soaping.

Some people say rugby is football. The chief difference between rugby and soccer is the shape of the ball, and you can use your arms much more in rugby without the referee seeing you. Soccer is called soccer after its inventor, Socrates. In England, you sometimes get a fracas on a soccer field. A fracas is a very pretty flower.

Girls don’t play cricket, rugby, or soccer. They play netball. In netball, girls are divided in two parts. One lot wears red ribbon and the other wears nothing at all. There are two parsons who stand between them.

Other ball sports are tennis and golf. In golf, a cadet is a boy who carries golf clubs. They are also known as teetotallers. They are generally paid, except in Scotland. In tennis, a faux pas is a foot fault.

Dad and me are anglophiles — we love fishing. My dad is, indeed, a very experienced fissure. He also likes motorsport. When he wants to drive fast, my father puts his foot on the exhilarator and the car is immediately exhilarated. I don’t know much else about cars except that every car is equipped with a corroborator. And when two race cars cross the finish line together, it’s called a dead heat. A dead heat is anything in such a raging heat that it would kill you.