Here is a collection of genuine student bloopers about the Bible and religion pasted together in essay form.
We study the Bible to know more about the sins we are not supposed to commit. This differs from the Greeks who, not having a Bible to guide them, formed their ideas of religion in a very natural way. The sins are listed in the 10 commandments, also known as the Holy Orders.
Guinnesses is the first book of the Bible
Gutenberg invented the Bible. The first book of the Bible is Guinnesses. It is written in the third person — namely, Cain. It tells the story of Noah and The Great Flood, which was sent because of the large numbers of dirty people. Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife. Cataract is the name of the mountain on which the Ark rested. We all descend from Noah and not from monkeys (evolution can't be a fact, for if man had come from monkey he would have written down something about it like he did everything else in history!)
God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, two famous volcanoes in Europe. When Lot's wife left Gomorrah, she turned a somersault. God told Abraham to take his son Isaac on the mountain to make a bicycle of him. As Isaac grew up, he always domineered, so the only thing to do was to turn him into the dessert. Isaac’s son Jacob stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob had a brother called Aseesaw and a son called Joseph. In the days of Joseph, the Egyptians gave refuse to the Israelites. Joseph was so straight that Pharaoh made a ruler of him. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. A miracle is a thing no man can do except the person who does it.
God gave Moses the 10 Commandments on Mount Cyanide
In the exodus from Egypt, the Israelites were led through the wilderness by a pillow of fire. Later, God gave the 10 Commandments to Moses on Mount Cyanide. While Moses was up there, the Israelites made a golden calf because they hadn't got enough gold to make a cow. When Moses died, Joshua, a son of a nun, became his predecessor.
One commandment God gave Moses is not bearing false witness against one's neighbour, which is when nobody does nothing, and somebody goes off and tells of it. The commandments also prohibit graven images, one maid with hands. Graven images are the things you put in the grave when people are buried. Idolators — very idle people — wash up idols, but we wash up God. It is right to have good times, but we ought to spend part of the day in church washing up God. Centuries later, the Pope would send out a decree that all ideals were to be destroyed.
When David slew Goliath with a catapult, the age of missile warfare began
The Israelites and the Philippines were fighting. David, who became King of Israel, was renowned for his catapult. If he had a fault, it was a slight tendency to adultery. When David slew Goliath with a catapult the age of missile warfare commenced. David’s son, Solomon, reigned for 40 days and 40 nights. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 porcupines. The Queen of Sheba was the only woman of his day that King Solomon never married. Hence arose the phrase, "The wisdom of Solomon."
Thomas Cranmer translated the Old Testament into the New One when he was a college student. The order of the Gospels is one after the other. They are full of parables, which are heavenly stories with no earthly meaning. One parable is the Prodigal Son. When the Prodigal Son returned, the fatted calf was very sorry. Another is the shepherd and the sheep — Our Lord is the Shepherd and the goats are the sheep. The chief duties of the Lord were to look after the manure and see that it was running right.
The Romans did not like the early Christians because they would not go to gladiola fights or burn insects before the Emperor's statue. There were no Christians at all among the early Gauls — they were mostly lawyers.
When Jesus was born, the wise men brought gifts of gold and frankfurters. Lazarus used to eat the food out of the rich man's stable. The New Testament also tells the story of Salome, a very wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them all off when she danced before Harrods.
The Opossum’s Creed is based on the New Testament, which is structured around the heavenly bodies of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Another prayer is “O Lord, enable us to trust in the Ford, forever trust and banish all our fears”. A famous hymn is “O Rest in the Lard".
The supreme joy of everlasting immorality in Heaven
The Ascension turns our thoughts to the supreme joy of everlasting immorality in Heaven. Getting to heaven is said to be man’s chief end. I told my teacher man's chief end is the end with the head on. When you die, you go to heaven, which is full of right angels. One man asked Jesus: "What shall I do to inherit internal life?" To enter paradise, you need faith — that quality by which we believe what we should otherwise think was false. Paradise is what happens when your arm goes stiff.
Faith is part of philosophy, the science of accepting what no sensible man can understand. Philosophy increases thirty-two feet per second. The New Testament also describes the Passover, which is when a man passes from bad to worse, like Judas Iscariot. The New Testament is full of Old Testament Biblical illusions.
Monasteries are places where they make money. Monasteries used to be places where monsters were kept. The monks of the Middle Ages lived in monkeries. People would dress in the garbage of a monk. A seminary, on the other hand, is a place where they bury the dead. In the Middle Ages, the Pope had very great sexual powers. The Britons had a strange and terrible
The Crusades were fought in Plasticine
religion called the religion of the Dudes. There were a lot of pageants. To bring Christianity to the world, the Crusades were fought in Plasticine, where the Crusaders replenished their sins. Many of the Crusaders died of salvation.
In the reign of Henry VIII, the head of the Church fell into the hands of the King. Around the same time, Michael Angelo painted the selling of the cistern chapel. The people didn’t like King James II and after three years they decomposed him. The Pilgrims brought Christianity to America on hardships. They came to America to worship as they saw fit and to see that everybody did the same.
Today, Norway's capital is Christianity. St Andrew is the patent saint of Scotland. The patent saint of England is Union Jack. The Catholic Church has bishops, priests, and deacons. A deacon is a thing you pile on the top of a hill and set fire to it. But the Pope is inflammable. The Papal Bull was thought to be a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition to trample on Protestants but it’s really a cow that’s kept to supply milk for the Pope's children. The Vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives. The Vatican is a vat for making wines.
Churches are supported by the tribulations of the members. A syntax is all the money collected by the Catholic church from sinners. But, mostly, we follow our invoices — words that we said inwardly and not aloud. This is because we have liberty of conscience, which means doing wrong and not worrying about it afterwards (though people often lose their consciences when they are ill). We also have freedom of will, which means you can leave your estate to anybody you want.
If I was Minister of Education I would make it illegal for religion to be taught in any school. This would improve religion in the country because then you would find people sneaking into the toilets for a quick prayer instead of a smoke as they do now. Yet, today, religious toleration is granted to all people except heretics — even people who do not believe in God, who are called anesthetists. Finally, if anyone should faint in church put her head between the knees of the nearest medical man.