Preface  |  A  |  B  |  C  |  D  |  E  |  F  |  G  |  H  |  I  |  J , K  |  L  |  M  |  N  |  O  |  P  |  Q, R  |  S  |  T  |  U  |  V  |  W  |  X, Y, Z  |  Index

C

C.O.D. Cricket Caught Out for a Duck.

CABINET n. a room in which Members of Parliament are locked.     

CADET n. a boy who carries golf clubs.     

CARAFE n. an animal with a long neck.

CARTOON n. a thing you buy milk in.

CASK n. what Indians lives in — e.g., an Indian in one cask may not marry a woman out of another cask.

CASTANET vb. method of fishing.

CATALOGUE n. a dialogue by four people.

CATARACT n. 1. the name of the mountain on which the Ark rested. 2. a thing for throwing stones. 3. a cat that catches rats.     

CATARRH n. a musical instrument. See also, GOITRE. Cf. GUITAR.

CATERER n. someone who minds your cat.

CATERPILLAR n. a kind of blood vessel.     

CAUCUS n. 1. a dead animal. 2. a sort of big parrot that has been taught to swear.

Caucus

Above: a school kid mistakes a caucus (which means a meeting of a specific political party, such as the Australian Labor Party caucus) with a caica or perhaps even a macaw, a parrot that's been taught to swear. An easy mistake to make. (Illustration by Tosh Bibb.)

CAVIAR n. the eggs of a surgeon.     

CELIBACY n. 1. a divine state only acquired after a long experience. 2. the crime a priest commits when he MARRIES. 3. a disease of the brain.     

CELIBATE n. one who cleans out cellars. See also, CELIBACY.     

CENTAUR n. someone who lives a hundred years. See also, CENTIPEDE, CENTURION.

CENTIMETRE n. an insect with a hundred legs. Cf. MILLENIUM.

centimetre

Above: A student mistakes centipede for centimetre (illustration by Tosh Bibb).     

CENTIPEDE n. 1. used for measuring temperature. 2. a French measure of length. 3. a person who reaches a hundred. See also, CENTAUR, CENTURION.     

CENTURION n. someone who has lived a century or more. See also, CENTAUR, CENTIPEDE.

CEREALS n. stories that last several weeks.

CEREBRUM n. a cavity in the head.

CHAMELEON n. a funny man.

CHAUVINISM n. pushin’ and shovin’.

CHAUVINIST n. the driver of someone’s car.

CHIVALRY n. 1. when you feel cold. 2. the attitude of a man towards a strange woman.     

CHRISTIANITY n. the capital of Norway.     

CHRONIC adj. 1. some kinds of newspapers. 2. something wrong with the chrone.

CIRCLE n. two semi-circles joined together.

CIRCULAR ARGUMENT n. presiding at a board meeting.

CLAIRVOYANCE n. the art of pretending that you know what people are thinking when really they are not thinking of anything at all.     

CLAMOUR n. putting stuff on your face and lips. See also, COSMIC.

CLASSIC n. a book you have to read at school.

CLAUSTROPHOBIA n. the fear of being confined where there isn’t room.

COAL n. decayed VEGETARIANS.

COLLECTIVE NOUN n. a noun that covers everything, such as clothing, umbrella, grandstand, etc.

COLUMBINE n. the wife of Columbus.

COMMUNIST n. the most commun.     

COMPLIMENT n. when we say something to another that he and we know is not true.

COMPOSITION n. the art of bringing loose ideas into a complication.     

COMPUTER n. a person who uses public transport.

CONCENTRATION n. putting all your brains in one spot and not allowing them to stray to things that look nice.

CONDENSED MILK n. the milk of a baby COW.

CONFUSION n. religious people in Japan.

CONJUGATION n. the people what the preacher preaches to in church.

CONJUNCTION n. 1. where two railway lines meet. 2. a word that connects two things — e.g., I tied the COW with a rope to a tree.

CONNOISSEUR n. a man who stands outside the cinema.

CONSCRIPTION n. what is written on a tombstone.     

CONSERVATIVE n. a large greenhouse, full of hot air.

CONSONANT n. a large piece of land surrounded by WATER.

CONSTITUTION n. a group of stars.

CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY n. one in which the Queen or King never becomes ill.

CONSUL n. a thing in your throat.

CONTENTIOUS adj. the state of being satisfied or happy.

CONTOUR n. 1. a man that tours around the continent. 2. the outline of a funny shape, such as a broken coastline or a woman.

CONUNDRUM n. a mineral found in Canada.     

CONVERSATION n. 1. n. the process of turning steam into WATER again. 2. preservation.

CONVICTION n. how heat is transmitted.

CONVOCATION n. when your teacher takes the toys you’ve brought to school.

COPERNICUS n. a mixture of copper and nickel.

CO-RESPONDENT n. another name for a pen friend.

CORONER n. a place where two walls meet.

CORPS n. a dead gentleman. Cf. CORPSE, a dead lady.     

CORPSE n. the season’s yield from a farmer’s land.

CORTEGE n. what you buy for a GIRL when you take her to a dance.

COSMIC n. lipstick, mascara, etc. See also, CLAMOUR.

COSTUME n. an expensive dress.

COUP DE GRÂCE n. a lawn mower.  

COWARD n. a flock of cattle.

Coward

Above: Imagine the size of the droppings? (Illustration by Tosh Bibb.)

COWBOY n. a man who looks after sheep.

  COWS The cow is a noble quadruped, though not so noble as the HORSE, much less the roaring lion. It has four short legs, a big head for its size, and a thick body. Its back legs are bent, and there’s two big bones sticking out just above. Its tail is more noble than the donkey’s, but nothing to come up to that of the race horse.

The cow gives us milk, and beef, and shoe leather. How thankful should children be to this tame quadruped. The reason why beef is so dear, is that cows cost so much, and the earth is getting full of people. I always have beef for my dinner on Sundays.

The four things what you sees under the cow’s belly are what the milk comes through [see RUDDER]. How thankful should we be. The cow makes milk from grass. God teaches the cow how to do it. A cow’s feet is split in two, like sheep’s; they are called hooves.

Little cows are called carves. Carves are the stupidest of all tame quadrupeds, except pigs and donkeys. When you drive a carf, never prick it behind, but push it gently with your flat hand. Men are cruel to carves coz they can’t draw milk from them. You can generally find mushrooms in cow fields, but you mustn’t go in if there’s a board up. How would your mothers like you to be called trespass?

Bulls are very much like cows, but are fierce quadrupeds. You can always tell bulls from cows, coz bulls are black, and not quite so fat. Bulls are not tame quadrupeds, and they look as if they could run. You can always tell them that way.

When my mother sees a bull she always stands with her back to the wall till it’s gone past, and she holds my hand. If a bull wanted to hurt my mother, I should pull mother in a hedge, and then kick out.

Cows are painted different colours; white, and red, and yellow. When they are black and white, they are generally half bulls, so you must not go near them.

There is what is called cream, which rich people eat; it is got from cows which are all white. How thankful should rich people be for getting what they call cream from the cow. You can learn lessons from this poor quadruped; not to kick, not trespass, and not to persecute people.

CREATOR n. the centre of a VOLCANO.

CREEK n. a pain you get in the neck when you lay in BED the wrong way.

CREMATORIUM n. French for dairy.

CRETINS n. generally served with green pea soup.

CRICKETS n. a disease caused by a lack of vitamins.

CRISIS n. a thing that hangs up in the winter and comes down in the summer as a butterfly.

CRITIC n. one who writes about cricket.

CRUSADE n. an early name for a honeymoon.

CRUSADERS n. cross people.

CUCKOO n. 1. a bird that does not lay its own eggs. 2. a thing that turns from a butterfly into a moth.

CURFEW n. an island in the Mediterranean.

CURSORY adj. prone to swearing.

CYCLONE vb. riding a bicycle.

CYCLOPS n. the man who wrote the encyclopaedia.

CYNIC n. someone who refuses to believe in fairy tales.

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