Preface  |  A  |  B  |  C  |  D  |  E  |  F  |  G  |  H  |  I  |  J , K  |  L  |  M  |  N  |  O  |  P  |  Q, R  |  S  |  T  |  U  |  V  |  W  |  X, Y, Z  |  Index


H2O n. H I J K L M N O.

HABERDASHER n. a man who washes out harbours.    

HADDOCK n. what you sleep on, usually between two trees; swings easily.


Above: There's something inherently funny about the idea of sleeping on a haddock (cf hammock). (Illustration by Tosh Bibb.)


HAMLET n. a baby pig.


Above: A baby big or "hamlet" (illustration by Tosh Bibb)

HAMPERS n. a unit for measuring electric currants.

HARMONIZING n. the stuff they put on wedding cakes.

HEATHEN n. one who has money and won’t spend it.

HEAVY WATER n. 1. ice. 2. WATER with ships in it.

HEIRLOOM n. like a carpet loom but used to make fringe nets.

HELICOPTER n. a machine used for coping with the sun.

HEREDITARY n. rejecting your FAITH.

HERESY n. when a child looks like his father.

HIBERNIAN n. an animal that sleeps all the winter.        

HIPPOPOTAMUS n. the line opposite the right angle in a right-angled triangle.

HOBSON’S CHOICE n. Hobson’s wife.

HOLOCAUST n. 1. total price. — vb. 2. shouting prices at an auction.

HOLY ORDERS n. the ten commandments

HOMOGENEOUS adj. a man who’s handy around the house.

HONESTY is a thing what you can’t see, but only feel. You mustn’t think that because you can’t see it, you haven’t got to do it. For you have. You can’t see God, but your consciences tell you that there is God, you know that quite well.

Honesty is one of the most important things that ever was. If everybody was honest, how comfortable should we be. Some boys steals little things and such, and yet they go and think they’ve got honesty. But they haven’t got it, that’s flat. It says in the First Standard Reading Books, ‘It is a sin to steal a pin’, so there you are.

Some folks think they have got honesty, if they find a thing in the street and keeps it. Keeping things is stealing just the same. When you find anything, always give it to your teachers or your mothers, and then you will have honesty.

I was once running after a man who a policeman was taking to the station for stealing, and when I kept running round him and looking up into his face, what do you think I seed? I seed he couldn’t look me straight in the eyes, much less stare me out. He was blushing, he was, I tell you. I seed him. Then he swore at me and the other boys, and he telled the policeman to drive us back. And the policeman was frightened of him, and drove us back. Perhaps that man started with stealing bits of pencils and penknives.

Some boys thinks that when they copy other boys’ sums and spellings, they have got honesty. But copying sums is as worse as stealing apples. If you can’t do them there sums called problems, scratch your heads and try.

The inspector once gave us a problem to do about a little boy as had ten sovereigns given to him by a gentleman, and if the boy give away 12 half-crowns, and lost 13 shillings, and spent 11 threepenny-pieces, and put two pound 15 and a hod penny into the savings bank, how much would he have left in his pocket?

Well I couldn’t do it at first, specially as a lady was talking and laughing with another gentleman all the time I was a thinking. But I wouldn’t copy off of the next boy, though I knew he was finding it out all right by his writing so quick. I just shut my eyes and put my left finger in my ear, and scratched my head and I thinked like mad, till I found out how to start at it; and I just finished it as the inspector was saying ‘All stop; time’s up.’

When you have honesty, you have a kind of a sort of a nice feeling in your inside what is called happy; and isn’t this a lot better than always being frightened at people, and crossing over the road when you see a policeman? You know it is; then always have honesty, never mind about not seeing it.

HOOLIGAN n. a polygon with seven sides.       

HORSE n. a unicorn without a horn.


Above: Life's too short. If you want to be a unicorn, *be* a unicorn. Illustration by Tosh Bibb.

HOSTAGE n. 1. a lady who entertains visitors. 2. a big bird with four legs and a long neck.

HUMOUR n. a kind of growth that is sometimes terminal.

HYDRAULICS n. the writing in Ancient Egypt.

HYGIENE n. keeping clean when it is not essential.

HIMALAYAS n. very lofty and steep mountains, and about five times the length of Earlsfield Road.

HYPERBOLE n. the game after the Super Bowl.

HYSTERICS n. letters in sloping type.