Preface  |  A  |  B  |  C  |  D  |  E  |  F  |  G  |  H  |  I  |  J , K  |  L  |  M  |  N  |  O  |  P  |  Q, R  |  S  |  T  |  U  |  V  |  W  |  X, Y, Z  |  Index

M

M.A. what a B.A. becomes when he gets MARRIED.

M.D. 1. Mentally Deficient. 2. Mid Day.

MACAROONS n. a kind of sprgety.

MAGICIAN n. a man who plays music.

MAGNA CARTA n. was a very good woman to the poor.

MAGNATE n. something with pull.                 

MAGNET n. a thing you find in a bad apple.

magnet

Above: A student mistakes magnet for maggot.

MALEFACTOR n. someone who works in a factory.

MALLEABLE adj. okay with the Post Office.                 

MAMMOTH n. an indistinct animal.

Mammoth

Above: A student mistakes indistinct for extinct.                 

MANAGER n. a man who watches other men work.

MANDARIN n. a kind of stringed instrument.

MANGOES n. wherever woman goes.

MANIAC n. a person who lives in the Isle of Man.

MANOEUVRE n. what they put on grass.

MANOR n. obs. a house where they teach people manners.

MANSLAUGHTER n. killing a man for no apparent reason

MARINE n. a cheap kind of butter.

MARINER n. a young man that goes after a young woman.

MARITAL adj. to do with female HORSES.                 

MARRIAGE n. an ancient institution but it still has its advantages.

MARS n. a planet so far off that it would take a million years to walk there in an express train.

MARSUPIAL n. a poached animal.

MARTYR n. a pile of wood set on fire with a man on top.

MATRIMONY n. 1. a place where souls suffer for a time on account of their sins. 2. one of the United States.

MATRIX n. a component part of a BED.

MAYOR n. a HORSE. See also, SENATOR.

MEDIATOR n. a man who says ‘Punch me instead’.

MELANCHOLIC n. what you get when you eat too many melons.

melancholic

Animation by Stefan Petrovic

MEMORY n. the thing you forget with.

MENAGERIE n. feminine of MANAGER.

METAPHOR n. 1. a thing you shout through. 2. a kind of signalling used chiefly for long distances.

METEOROLOGICAL STATION n. a place where they kill pigs, COWS, etc.

METEORS n. used to tell you how much gas you are using.

MICROBE n. a robe that mics wear.

MICROSCOPE n. used to see things that are smaller than a naked eye.

MIDDLESEX n. the sex that lives in the middle of England.

MIDWIFE n. someone who goes between a mother and a husband.

MILKY WAY n. 1. the way you feed infants. 2. one of the ancient Roman roads.                 

MILLENIUM n. something like a centennial, only it has more legs. Cf. CENTIPEDE.

MIRACLE n. something that someone does that cannot be done.                 

MISERY n. someone who travels to remote places to convert SAVAGES into CHRISTIANS.

MISOGYNIST n. one who saves money.

MISSILE n. a prayer book.

MOBILITY n. belonging to the people.

MOCKERY n. a system of government in which a single ruler by right of birth has all the power.

MOMENT n. the tendency to rotate around a body.

MONASTERY n. 1. a place where they make money. 2. where monsters are kept.

MONOGAMY n. a material for making furniture; sometimes just a veneer. Cf. MONOTONY.

MONOLOGUE n. 1. a dialogue for one person. 2. a CONVERSATION between two people, such as husband and wife. Cf. DECALOGUE.      

MONOTONY n. having only one wife or husband.   

MONSOON n. 1. an animal which eats snakes. 2. like a storm only more so and only comes at the time of arrival.

Monsoon

Above: Monsoon or mongoose? (Illustration by Tosh Bibb.)

MOOSE n. a thing to catch cattle with.

MORATORIUM n. a big ocean liner.

MORTGAGE n. where people’s remains are kept.

MOSAIC LAW n. a law compelling people to have their floors laid with coloured stones.

MOSQUITO n. an inhabitant of Moscow.

MOTHER-IN-LAW n. part of MARRIAGE that cannot be escaped, like the bride.

MOULD vb. the past tense of may.

MULTITUDE n. what you get when you multiply.

MUSIC is of two kinds, what you sing and what you play. To sing music is far cheaper and easier than to play it. At school you can only learn to sing it. I am one of them boys as makes a croaky sort of noise when I sing, and the teacher tells me and some other croaky boys that when the class is singing we must only listen and not sing.

The teacher once told me I should make a good base singer. The reason why my voice is croaky is because my mother gives me so much cod-liver oil from the hospital. I like listening just as well as singing, because, while the boys are singing, if you keep putting your finger in and out of your ears sharp and quick, the singing sounds just like a concertina or accordion playing.

Music

There is many instruments what you play; the banjo, the cornet, the piano, the street organ, and others. The piano is the hardest to learn, and the street organ the easiest.

To play the street organ, you’ve only got to turn a handle, and a tune comes out. When you want to play another tune, you just shift a bit of tin at the side of the handle, that’s all. But you can’t play as many tunes as you like, only about six. That’s why the organ man has to keep moving on, or else people would get sick of him.

My brother plays the concertina, and he says it’s very hard to learn. My mother says my brother is very good because he stops in and plays the concertina instead of spending his money in the public houses. Him and some more young men sometimes takes a walk into the country, and plays their concertinas as they go along. My mother says that though my big brother only earns half father’s wages, that he gives her more money to buy things with than father does. My father can’t play a concertina, but can only make hats.

I have never seen a piano, only in shops. They cost a great deal of money, pounds and pounds.

One of my brother’s mates plays the cornet. He learnt to play it at the institute, and he only had to pay tuppence a week he says. He keeps it in a nice green bag, and I heard him tell my mother it was his baby, and that it never cried except when he pinched it.

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