TABLOID n. medication in a small dose that’s easy to swallow.
TANTRUM n. a bicycle for a man and his wife.
TARZAN n. the short name for the American flag. Its full name is Tarzan Stripes.
Above: Tarzan stripes = stars and stripes. (Illustration by Tosh Bibb.)
TAUTOLOGY n. expresses a thing as it is expressed in a newspaper.
TAXES n. what you pay for riding in taxis.
TAXIDERMIST n. a thick fog.
TEETOTALLER n. 1. a man you never see drinking. 2. a boy who carries golf clubs. (They are generally paid, except in Scotland.) See also, CADET.
TENACIOUS n. ten acres.
TENET n. 1. a renter. 2. a GIRL tenor.
TEPID n. WATER that comes from the tap.
TÊTE À TÊTE n. having tea twice.
THAMES n. a body of WATER that’s not like a well, but more like a seaside.
THEME n. a thing that runs down the side of your trousers.
THERMOMETER n. an instrument used for weighing heat. Cf. CENTIPEDE.
THESAURUS n. a kind of skin disease, like sauriasis.
THIEF n. a person who likes to keep people’s things for them in their absence.
THROMBOSIS n. an instrument used in a jazz band.
TIN n. a metal obtained by smelting down old tins.
TOMAHAWK n. a male hawk.
TOME n. a burial place. See also, SEMINARY, SYMMETRY.
TOPAZ n. something to put on your feet.
TRAGEDY n. a play or story that ends in the death of someone; a comedy does not unless the person dies.
TRAIN n. a very long car that stretches almost from the end to the beginning. They are usually frequent and far between. Also known as local motives.
TRAPEZIUM n. the thing in the gymnasium.
TRAUMATIC adj. like a play.
TRIGONOMETRY n. when a lady MARRIES three men at the same time. See also, AMBIGUITY.
TRIPOD n. an extinct animal with four legs.
Above: We don't know, either. (Illustration by Tosh Bibb.)
TRISECT vb. to bisect three times.
TRITE adj. something that goes on and on in family for generations.
TRUANCY n. something that has been proven to be true.
TUMBLER n. a small glass bucket or vessel from which beer tumbles down the throat.
TUNDRA n. 1. a treeless forest. 2. a great herd of cattle on the run.
TURBINES n. what Hindus wear on their heads.
TURKEY The turkey is a large blew bird, generally fat, with thick legs. It has no tail worth mentioning, but it has instead a long piece of skin hanging from its head and under its chin. This skin is generally dirty at the bottom because of draggling on the ground when the bird is feeding.
The turkey is king of the goose and most other birds, but the eagle can fight it. It is like a very big rooster if it wasn’t for the tail. It is not cruel to kill a turkey, if only you take it into the backyard, and use a sharp knife, and the turkey is yours.
The turkey gives us nice turkey to eat at Christmas, if you can afford. My father won a turkey at the public house where I go for the beer. The landlord is a big heavy man, with a white fat face, and black hair, and he asked me if I’d swallowed all the turkey. Then the dirty men laughed, and one said I’d grown fat since yesterday. The turkey was a lot nicer than beef, but I didn’t tell them it was. My mother earns all the vegetables we eat, except the meat, with washing at gentlemen’s houses, and my father drinks beer, and brings the meat, and buys coals.
All boys hate live turkeys, and turkeys hate boys. Boys hit the skin of the turkey with a stick when the turkey is turned the other way, and then the boys run away and the turkey runs after them.
The turkey makes a queer noise called goblin, like as if there was bits of balls rattling in its neck. It is a half tame bird, and if you are kind to it, it will let you feed it. Boys pretend they’ve got a bit of bread in their hand when it is only orange peel, and when the turkey comes up nicely and picks it out of their hands it sneezes it out of its mouth again, and then chases them a long way up the road. Boys like the turkey to run after them, because they get home quicker without feeling tired, and the turkey has to go all the way back, and you generally see a turkey along with some ducks.
But the turkey is kind to the little ducks, which is a lesson you learn to be kind to your little brothers and sisters. Never make your little brother cry by hiding behind a wall or tree, and pretending to lose him, for turkeys never pick nor worry neither ducks nor hens. Turkeys lay very dear eggs what you can’t afford, but they do not give butter or milk because they can’t do it not if they tried three times.
TURQUOISE adj. like a turtle and moves very slow.
TYPHOON n. 1. a huge snake found in South Africa. 2. a spear shot from a gun to kill whales.